I unintentionally woke up at about 5:30am this morning and looked out my window to a blue sunrise. Immediately I grinned and lifted my fists in victory, saying aloud, "Eeeee! He is with me! I don't have to be afraid!" And then I went back to sleep.

HA! When I woke up at 9:00am, I laughed at myself for a long time. How is it that Jesus' joy so fills my heart, that even in my most unconscious state, I instantly turn to praise? Instantly to faith?

This week has been filled with joy. Joy because my niece and nephew are so beautiful I can't stand it.

Joy because of Dan's tenderness towards my heart. Joy because of patio cookouts, late night jacuzzis, fireworks, silly sisters, alfresco fridays, finding Saturn with my dad before he left for Brazil, music under the stars.

Joy because Jesus is my portion. 

Joy because the Lord, who is my Shepherd, has given me everything I need, and goodness and mercy are following me today.
Joy because everything I need to know has already been settled on the cross.

Isn't that the bottom line?

This joy is so meaningful to me today because of a series of thoughts I haven't been able to shake for a long time. These thoughts are mostly on the weightier issues of life, like, you know, saving the world and stuff. Some of this is the product of growing up in a missionary family, and most of it is the product of much misunderstanding of who Jesus is and what He expects of me. I've struggled for years over the issue of "life calling" and ministry, feeling an overwhelming angst/ responsibility to all that I've seen overseas: poverty, famine, slavery, disease. And I have to come face to face with myself and admit: I don't know how to change the world. I have no brilliant tricks up my sleeve, no stored-away vision I'm waiting to introduce at the right time. That's the underlining stress, right? That I don't know what to do. But after traveling through the pain and grit of 14 different countries, what do I do with a heart that can't shake these things?

Actually, I know what I've usually done with this heart: either I take the weight of the world on my shoulders, placing my entire value as a person in my proximity to a third world nation, or I become overwhelmed and stay inside my apartment and read some books. Neither is what Jesus wants from me.

Last week I wrote about the gardener of Gethsemane, and my sister commented something I've needed to consider all week long:

"This gardener was 'called' to be and do these things for the pleasure of Jesus, so that Jesus could find rest and quiet there. It challenges me to be faithful in the mundane of what I'm called to now, if for no other reason than that Jesus will find pleasure in this hard, tending work."

For the pleasure of Jesus. How have I gotten so confused, and why is today the day that I finally understand? I'll write more another time, but for now, I'll rest in His joy.

From the strawberry patch in the front.  So tiny!

The biggest cucumber the world's ever seen! I should have taken it to the fair.

Yay! I love you deeply deeply, so deeply, Jesus.

gardens

I'm back in El Paso for the summer. Two weeks ago, we had a baby shower for my brother and his wife (and their precious, September baby named Lola). The shower was in my backyard, which is pretty incredible...if anyone has known my family intimately enough to venture into our backyard, they know that it is a huge, desert wasteland! For the 20 years that we've lived in this house, our backyard has only been loose sand, intermixed with some cacti and a few rocks. But then two years ago, my parents decided to, yes, garden this wasteland. It just started with some planters, and then some seeds, and then grass and a patio, and slowly this desert wasteland is taking a new shape. And guess what! Now there are 35 different kids of fruits, vegetables, and herbs growing outside! THIRTY FIVE! Even this morning, my parents are outside with three teenagers from their ministry, laying down some pink chat. They are doing the impossible! I stand amazed.

Green beans, potatoes, corn, cucumber, peas, pumpkins, and a workout bike.

Baby bell peppers!

Grapes! I'm most excited about these!

Even though it's far from finished, we're enjoying our backyard everyday. There's still quite a bit of sand and cacti, but we've nonetheless thrown multiple, beautiful parties in the midst of it. There's some sort of life lesson to be learned in this.

Baby shower for Lola

My wonderful family!


"He went with His disciples...where there was a garden, which He and His disciples entered. Now Judas, who betrayed Him, also knew the place, for Jesus often met there with His disciples" (John 18:1-2).

Gardening with my mom and dad these past three summers has become something very treasured to me. We get up early, spend long efforts digging, planting, daily watering. It's hot and sweaty, but then finally, growth. Such patience, such work, such satisfaction! And through the process, I've realized how much God loves gardening.

The very first home environment on earth- the first paradise- was the Garden of Eden. Throughout parables, He speaks of sowing and reaping, the seeds which fall on various soils, the plentiful harvest, the fruit of the Spirit, the vine and the branches. And then, in the last few hours of His life before death, Jesus chose to pray in a garden. And I wonder: who was the gardener at Gethsemane?

Before Jesus came to earth, He knew what He was coming to do. He was the only person in all of mankind to choose everything about His life! He had the opportunity to choose eye color, jawline, city of birth, time period in history. He knew from Heaven where He would spend time on earth. And He "often met there," in this particular garden, with His disciples. I wonder why?

I wish I had an interview with the gardener. I imagine him relentlessly perfecting every corner of the property, leveling the land and cultivating the soil. Maybe his family mocked his hard effort, wondering why he so intensely cared. Yet something inside him just said to make it perfect- to work hard, plant the finest seeds, prune and graft and water. All leading up to that day when Jesus, in whom all things exist and for whom all was created, walked through the gate.

The Creator! Taking active part in His creation! And a hard-working, normal guy who was faithful enough that the King spent His most precious time in that particular garden.

Oh Lord, whatever I do, let me do it as unto You. I never know whether or not it just might be. 

naked and unashamed

It's been over a month, but here I am again!

I bought patio furniture. Two chairs and one table. They are the first pieces of furniture I've ever bought with my own money, and I feel very grown-up.

Being outside on my patio is precious to me. Three years ago, in the Fall of 2008, I spent almost my entire semester on a porch at Cabana Beach apartments. It was on that patio that I met with Jesus closer than ever before. My heart was broken, and God's presence was incomparably near. I heard once that a good shepherd will break the legs of a sheep if it's wandering away. Although hard to initially recognize, the pain is merciful. If the shepherd allowed the sheep to wander, it could get lost or be eaten by a wolf. Yet out of his compassion for the sheep, the shepherd will break legs, place the crippled animal on his shoulders, and carry the sheep until it's legs heal. Not only is the injured animal restored, but she is also placed in the closest location to the shepherd- on the shoulders of the shepherd himself. This accomplishes duel, knit-together purposes: healing for the injury, and intimacy with the shepherd.

The Lord is my Shepherd. During the time in which I was broken, He placed me on His neck. For one year, i was carried by the Almighty! I grew to rest on His shoulders, and in that place, grew to truly know my Shepherd. I learned the sound of His voice. I learned the rhythm of His heartbeat, the pace of His steps. My initial pain turned into overflowing life! And for the joy set before me, I endured my cross.

Anyways, on my porch at cabana beach is where Genesis 2:25 sank teeth deep into my heart:

"And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed."

When i first got to San Marcos, i was angry with God, and completely ignored Him for a month. Yet mid-September, there was an undeniable call for me to spend more time with Him. Every morning, I woke up, made a bagel sandwich and some Dunkin Donuts coffee, and headed to my porch. God gave me Isaiah 30:15, which says, "In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and confidence shall be your strength." I knew that I needed Him, but I felt so awkward in His presence! My worship felt dishonest, my prayers felt dishonest, and only anger and hurt came out of me. But He still called me. It was this weird thing where I never felt released from His presence...I would decide to watch tv or read a book, but a burning nag would fill my heart until I headed back outside. For the first few weeks, I tried to busy my times with God through reading countless chapters of the bible, listening to worship songs, or journaling meaningless thoughts. Yet all these things were none of the issues that were actually eating at my heart. The truth was that I was depressed and angry.

Finally, I read John 5:39-40, which says, "You search the Scriptures, for in them you think you have eternal life...but you are not willing to come to Me, that you may have life." All of my efforts to come before Him were just a smokescreen! Until I was willing to come to Him, to lay my heart bare at His throne of grace, I couldn't find life.

And so began something incredible. The Lord called me to this place of spending hours alone with Him- with no prayer agenda, no expectations, nothing. Just relationship. And it was so hard, so awkward. I was naked, and He was calling me to be unashamed. God showed me that sometimes it takes just as much courage to quietly rest in the shadow of His wings as it does to boldly stand in the lion's den. It became time for me to know that He has power, total control, over every area of my entire life. He commands my breath; He orders my steps. To be able to rest in that place of utter vulnerability, trust, faith, sacrifice--and to do it with calmness of heart-- it's not easy! But it's good.

Today, I must still take the time to come to Him with the raw truth of who I am inside. Man, there's so much more I want to say about this! About how He desires truth in the inward parts, about how His faithfulness is my shield. But more, I'm just pretty excited about my new porch furniture. I'm not in the same place i was three years ago, but my heart still desires vulnerability before Jesus. And so I come! Naked and unashamed.  

Genesis 2, Part 1

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis%202&version=NKJV


I love Genesis 2 so much I'm splitting it into two days. There's just so much to say.

The first thing that catches my attention in this chapter is that God didn't micromanage Adam's first job: "The Lord...brought them [the animals] to Adam to see what he would call them. And whatever Adam called each living creature, that was its name" (Genesis 2:19).

Amazing! God didn't micromanage, and Adam wasn't afraid! So often when I feel God speak to my heart about a task, I wait for incredibly detailed instructions, alongside a guarantee of success. But Adam didn't look for a miraculous sign in-between each animal; he didn't do a 40-day fast before naming a dolphin. God brought the animals, Adam named them, ta-da!
        ...the point was their friendship, I think. Their partnership. God delighted in Adam' s work, and Adam wasn't afraid to freely do the job he'd been given. Lord, let me have the same response with the tasks you give me.

The second thing I'm captured by is that "it is not good for man to be alone" (Genesis 2:18). Oh how I love this. Adam, in pure companionship with God, still needed someone. Sometimes I feel like American-Christian society gets angry at people for needing other people. It's almost as if we're scared that needing others declares a lesser need for Jesus. But this isn't true! In the midst of Adam being entirely dependent on God, God said that it was not good for him to be alone. We're made for relationship with people! God knows this and delights in giving us friendships/marriage!

Last gem of truth and then I'm done: anyone waiting to find their life partner should gather great hope from Genesis 2. I always hear my peers say they aren't sure if the right person for them exists, or if they'll ever find that right person. But here's a beauty: even when no woman ever existed, God still found a woman for Adam! This should be joy to anyone feeling lonely!

This chapter, though not entirely discussed, breathes freedom. Freedom to pursue the responsibilities God gives us without stopping every two feet to make sure we're on the right path. Freedom to pursue Godly relationships, not terrified that they're taking the place of God in our lives. Freedom to trust in God to bring the right people to us, even if we feel they don't exist. And more freedom awaits in the rest of the chapter! Praise God!

Genesis 1

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis%201&version=ESV

^"In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was without form and void, and darkness was over the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters.And God said, 'Let there be light,' and there was light" (Genesis 1:1-3).

I love the picture of the Spirit of God hovering over the waters. The Holy Spirit- who didn't just suddenly appear on the day of Pentecost, but who has been intricately, irreplaceably involved since before time! I just love Him!

Genesis 1 is the perfect premise for the entire word of God (obviously). This chapter isn't about whether or not evolutionary theory is valid, and it's not just fuel for a debate on whether all these events actually took place in six literal days. This chapter sets the foundation for the character of God, eager to be displayed in the following 65 books of the Bible.

Every section begins with "and God said, 'Let there be ____,'" followed by, "and there was," which is then followed by, "and it was good." This is the basis of faith in God! That He looks into darkness- darkness of hearts, darkness of cultures and countries and lifelessness- says "Let there be light," and it comes to pass! Even today, in the areas of my life which I feel are void and without form, God "gives life to the dead and calls those things which do not exist as though they did" (Romans 4:17). Praise God; He is still in the business of speaking new life, whether it be in relationships, dreams, identity, or salvation. The first chapter of the Bible bespeaks God's faithful power, and all of history has since been proclaiming this good news.

Lord, build my faith!

I'm starting a blog! It's been on my mind for a long time, but I've repeatedly put it off because of laziness or fear. Yet this morning, I was wide awake at 6:00am, and said, "Hey, why not today?"

In high school, I got a ton of praise for my writing ability. But for some reason, I let this praise have a crippling effect on me. I became terrified for people to see my writing, lest I produce an off-par piece of work and it didn't measure up to the praise I'd been given. And so I stopped writing, and I've been afraid to begin a blog or book all these years. I'm about to graduate college, and I'm afraid because of praise I got in high school! How silly!

Enough of my craziness. I have no more time for perfectionism! I'm ready to have grace with myself, and not constantly grade my own efforts. I'm ready to be faithful with the small opportunities God gives me.

I want to use this blog as a way to hold myself accountable. Accountable to taking risks, to being vulnerable with others, to putting in writing the truths God speaks to my heart. Generally, my plan is to read through the book of Genesis, and write what God speaks to me through each chapter. Other ramblings are sure to be intermixed, but I basically just want to use this as an avenue to study scripture.

I love the direction in which courage is moving me.
Woo! I'm happy to begin.