I bought patio furniture. Two chairs and one table. They are the first pieces of furniture I've ever bought with my own money, and I feel very grown-up.
Being outside on my patio is precious to me. Three years ago, in the Fall of 2008, I spent almost my entire semester on a porch at Cabana Beach apartments. It was on that patio that I met with Jesus closer than ever before. My heart was broken, and God's presence was incomparably near. I heard once that a good shepherd will break the legs of a sheep if it's wandering away. Although hard to initially recognize, the pain is merciful. If the shepherd allowed the sheep to wander, it could get lost or be eaten by a wolf. Yet out of his compassion for the sheep, the shepherd will break legs, place the crippled animal on his shoulders, and carry the sheep until it's legs heal. Not only is the injured animal restored, but she is also placed in the closest location to the shepherd- on the shoulders of the shepherd himself. This accomplishes duel, knit-together purposes: healing for the injury, and intimacy with the shepherd.
The Lord is my Shepherd. During the time in which I was broken, He placed me on His neck. For one year, i was carried by the Almighty! I grew to rest on His shoulders, and in that place, grew to truly know my Shepherd. I learned the sound of His voice. I learned the rhythm of His heartbeat, the pace of His steps. My initial pain turned into overflowing life! And for the joy set before me, I endured my cross.
Anyways, on my porch at cabana beach is where Genesis 2:25 sank teeth deep into my heart:
"And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed."
When i first got to San Marcos, i was angry with God, and completely ignored Him for a month. Yet mid-September, there was an undeniable call for me to spend more time with Him. Every morning, I woke up, made a bagel sandwich and some Dunkin Donuts coffee, and headed to my porch. God gave me Isaiah 30:15, which says, "In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and confidence shall be your strength." I knew that I needed Him, but I felt so awkward in His presence! My worship felt dishonest, my prayers felt dishonest, and only anger and hurt came out of me. But He still called me. It was this weird thing where I never felt released from His presence...I would decide to watch tv or read a book, but a burning nag would fill my heart until I headed back outside. For the first few weeks, I tried to busy my times with God through reading countless chapters of the bible, listening to worship songs, or journaling meaningless thoughts. Yet all these things were none of the issues that were actually eating at my heart. The truth was that I was depressed and angry.
Finally, I read John 5:39-40, which says, "You search the Scriptures, for in them you think you have eternal life...but you are not willing to come to Me, that you may have life." All of my efforts to come before Him were just a smokescreen! Until I was willing to come to Him, to lay my heart bare at His throne of grace, I couldn't find life.
And so began something incredible. The Lord called me to this place of spending hours alone with Him- with no prayer agenda, no expectations, nothing. Just relationship. And it was so hard, so awkward. I was naked, and He was calling me to be unashamed. God showed me that sometimes it takes just as much courage to quietly rest in the shadow of His wings as it does to boldly stand in the lion's den. It became time for me to know that He has power, total control, over every area of my entire life. He commands my breath; He orders my steps. To be able to rest in that place of utter vulnerability, trust, faith, sacrifice--and to do it with calmness of heart-- it's not easy! But it's good.
Today, I must still take the time to come to Him with the raw truth of who I am inside. Man, there's so much more I want to say about this! About how He desires truth in the inward parts, about how His faithfulness is my shield. But more, I'm just pretty excited about my new porch furniture. I'm not in the same place i was three years ago, but my heart still desires vulnerability before Jesus. And so I come! Naked and unashamed.
